Qualities to look for in a spouse

Making sure that Muslims are well-matched in marriage is one of the most important and potentially difficult functions in the Muslim society. The individual seeking marriage must have his/her priorities straight and be clear about which characteristics are most important in a spouse in order to have a successful marriage. There are many characteristics that are important in a husband or a wife but some are exceedingly more important than others. Emphasising the wrong qualities can lead to disaster down the road just as being neglectful of certain considerations can do likewise. When we come to understand the goals and priorities of marriage in Islam, we may be guided to the Islamic methodology of seeking marriage in Islam and stop blindly following the disbelievers in their ignorant notions of the importance of "getting to know each other” and other such concepts which in reality contribute nothing to and, more often, sabotage a marriage.Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam (may Allah exalt his mention), taught us in many Ahaadith (prophetic statements) about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse and their relative importance. Among those Ahaadith are the following: "A woman is married for her religion, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with religion, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)” [Muslim] And also: "Choose carefully for your seed (offspring). Marry those who are equivalent (or ‘qualified’) and give to them in marriage.” [Ibn Maajah & Others]We will discuss, if Allah wills, some of the most important characteristics that can be found in the Qur’an and the Sunnah (prophetic tradition) related to selecting a good spouse.ReligionIn the previous Hadith, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature, except for the issue of Deen, i.e., a prospective spouse’s piety and practice of Islam - their fulfilling of what is mandatory and their avoidance of what is unlawful.About this characteristic, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: "It is (incumbent) upon you to seek the one with piety”. This is an order and quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the Hadith which states: "A woman is married for...” and separates the issue of ‘religion’ from the other mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also, when the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said at the end of the Hadith: "...May your hands be in the dust”, invoking this negative outcome on those who disregard his order, it can only refer to the order to seek the spouse with piety, since that is the only order in the Hadith.We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of Hijab (female Muslim attire) for women, or keeping a beard and praying in the Masjid (mosque) for men, while obvious requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people who, at first glance, appear to be abiding by Islam, but, upon closer inspection, they have an altogether incorrect understanding of it. ‘Umar bin al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the Masjid that he did not know him due to him not having had dealings with him that involved money, as well as not having lived or travelled with him.The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to the bride. The guardian of the woman should make this his first and top priority, just as the man looking for a wife should make it his. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: "If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil.” [At-Tirmithi & Others]Character and BehaviourIn the previous Hadith, addressed to those in charge of the marital affairs of Muslim women and girls, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues: the faith of the suitor and his character.Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind, as we can see from the following Ahaadith:"I have only been sent to complete good character.” [Al-Haakim & Others]"I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Paradise for one who makes his character good.” [Abu Daawood ]"Righteousness is good character.” [Muslim]"The believers with the most complete Eemaan (faith) are those with the best character.” [Abu Daawood]In the Qur’an, Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage, Saying (what means): "...Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women...” [Qur’an 24:26]The word ‘bad’ in the above verse means filthy, unclean and despicable. It is a very strong word. The word ‘good’ connotes clean and pure as well as good.One of the important issues of character in the mates is the quality of intimacy. This means to be kind, loving and compassionate. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: "Marry the loving/friendly and the child-bearing, for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on Doomsday.” [Ahmad, Abu Daawood & Others]Therefore, the prospective spouse must ask and find out about the other person’s behaviour and manners. As a sign also, one may look at the manners and behaviour of the other person’s family, for often (but not always) the behaviours of people of the same family are similar. In other words, some characteristics whether good or bad, tend to run in some families such as anger, politeness, stinginess, generosity, lying, truthfulness and so forth.Child-BearingThe Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, recommended men to marry women who are child-bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as enlarging the Muslim Ummah (community), raising pious families as cornerstones of society, and so forth.The scholars mention that a man can look at a woman’s female relatives to get an idea whether she is apt to get pregnant easily and often or not. This attribute should also apply to the man. For example, a Muslim man who had a vasectomy before getting married would not be an appropriate husband for a Muslim girl getting married for the first time.VirginityThere are many Ahaadith which recommend a man to marry a virgin woman, such as: "Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs and are more pleased with less.” [At-Tabaraani]Other narrations indicate that she is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Jaabir, may Allah be pleased with him, married an older and previously married woman, so the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, remarked: "Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you.”The scholars have stressed that this good attribute applies to the husband just as it applies to the wife. One of them wrote: "Similarly, it is preferred for a person not to marry his daughter except to a virgin man if she has never been married before.” ‘Umar bin al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, once heard about a woman who was married to an elderly man, so he said: "O people! Fear Allah and marry a man to a woman who is similar to him and marry a woman to a man who is similar to her.”BeautyBeauty is another important characteristic to be looked for in a spouse. It has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both mates from sin. The best way to achieve this is if there is a strong attraction between the husband and wife. Although this will surely grow over time, initial impressions can in some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam (may Allah exalt his mention), separated Qays bin Shammaas from his wife in the famous case of Kuhl’ (i.e. a woman asking for separation from her husband) and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her.There are many Ahaadith (prophetic statements) that urge the prospective spouse to take a look at the other before undertaking the marriage. Once, a companion told the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, that he was going to get married. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, asked if he had seen her. When the man replied in the negative, he, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: "Go and look at her, for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.” [Ahmad & Others]‘Umar bin al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, once said: "Do not force your young girls to marry an ugly man, for they also love what you love.”Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list, under piety, character and religion. When a person puts beauty above all else, the results can be disastrous. This is one big reason young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature family members in making their choice.Looking at a Prospective SpouseAs we have seen, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, encouraged men considering marriage to a particular woman to get a look at her. He said in another Hadith: "If one of you proposes to a woman and if he is able to look at a part of her that motivates him to marry her, let him do so.” [Abu Daawood & Others]Note that this Hadith does not abrogate the limits of what a woman may expose to non-mahaarim (marriageable relatives). She must continue to be well covered, except for her face and hands, in front of all of them, and the prospective husband, even if he has proposed, is no exception to this. Even then, he is still only permitted to see what anyone else is permitted to see. The difference is that he is allowed to take a good look - if it were not for the proposal of marriage, both would be required to avert their eyes after the first glance, as the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said to ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, about the look at a non-mahram woman: "The first is for you, the second is against you.”Also, it is clear that the purpose of this look is very specific: to help one determine whether or not they would like to marry that person. Once that has been determined and the decision has been made, it is no longer permissible for them to look at each other. If a man and a woman decide that they want to marry each other, this does not make it permissible for them to continue to see each other. Just the opposite, since the decision has been made there is no longer any need for them to see each other and they are no longer allowed to do so. This is because until the moment the offer and acceptance of the marriage have been pronounced, there is no relationship of any kind between them and all of the laws regarding alien men and women still apply to them.Women Looking at a Prospective HusbandThe woman also has a right to look at her prospective husband. Many scholars have stated that women desire the same things that we (men) do. Some have even said that it is even more important for the woman to see the man. This is because the man holds the right of instant and unconditional divorce in case he is displeased with his wife. It is not so easy for the woman to get out of a marriage and so she must have priority on this issue.Can a Man be Alone with His ‘Fiancée’?Again, no matter what words, promises, commitments, etc. have passed between the parties, until the marriage contract has been transacted and a man and woman are actually married, there is no relationship at all between them and they are to each other as any other strange man and woman. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, has expressly forbidden for a man and a woman to be alone together. This ruling applies to a ‘fiancée’ just as much as it applies to any other unrelated man and woman. One Hadith that makes this very clearly is: "A man cannot be alone with a woman, except along with a male (non-marriageable) relative (of hers).” [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]TouchingObviously, since those "engaged” to be married have no legal relationship beyond any other strange man and woman, any form of touching between them is not allowed. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: "For one of you to have your head pierced with an iron needle is better for him than to touch a woman who is not permissible for him (to touch).” [At-Tabaraani]Phone CallsMuslim scholars have pointed out that it is not proper or acceptable for ‘fiancées’ to be alone together or to have numerous encounters, telephone conversations or Internet ‘chats’ for the purpose of ‘getting to know each other’. In fact, this is a horrible innovation that has spread among the Muslims. It must always be remembered that until they are married, they are like any other unrelated men and women to each other and their actions must reflect that fact.This is clearly the result of the similar "experiment” going on in Western societies over the last few decades: the more they "open” these kinds of issues the more disastrous their marriages become.Muslims who are heading down this same road need to wake up and take heed. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: "You will follow the ways of those who came before you foot by foot and yard by yard; (to the extent that) even if they are to descend into a lizard’s hole, you will follow them.”The Difference between ‘Engagement’ and Delaying ConsummationIn many Muslim countries, people transact the marriage contract, but agree not to actually begin the marriage until after a certain period of time. There is nothing wrong with this custom with two conditions:The time period is not excessively long.All parties understand that the two are legally married, their agreement to delay being together is not binding and there is nothing wrong if they change their mind and decide to be together before the appointed time.This is quite different from the imported custom of "engagement”. The only parallel to this western custom which many Muslims have adopted is what is called ‘Khitbah’, which is the time between the beginning of discussions and the acceptance or rejection of the offer. In short, this has no legal validity of any kind and does not change anything about the relationship between the man and woman. Extending this to very long periods of time or worse, violating the Shari’ah (Islamic Law) during that time in the ways we have discussed is a horrendous religious innovation (Bid’ah) which has spread among the Muslims.Article source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/