The parent-child relationship in Islam

Islam’s general approach to children may be summarised in a few principles. First, it is a divine injunction that no child may become the cause of harm to the parents. The child’s rights: The parent’s dutiesAllah, The Exalted, Says (what means): “Mothers may breastfeed their children two complete years for whoever wishes to complete the nursing [period]. Upon the father is the mothers’ provision and their clothing according to what is acceptable. No person is charged with more than his capacity. No mother should be harmed through her child, and no father through his child. And upon the [father’s] heir is [a duty] like that [of the father]. And if they both desire weaning through mutual consent from both of them and consultation, there is no blame upon either of them. And if you wish to have your children nursed by a substitute, there is no blame upon you as long as you give payment according to what is acceptable. And fear Allah and know that Allah is Seeing of what you do.” [Qur’an 2: 233]Secondly, by implication the parents should reciprocate and cause the child no harm either. The Qur’an recognises very clearly that parents are not always immune from over protectiveness or negligence. On the basis of this recognition, it (Qur’an) has, thirdly, established certain guidelines and pointed out certain facts with respect to children.  It points out that children are joys of life as well as sources of pride and fountains of distress and temptation. But it hastens to stress the greater joys of the spirit and cautions parents against overconfidence, false pride, or misdeeds that might be caused by children. The religious moral principle of this position is that every individual, parent or child, relates to Allah directly and is independently responsible for his deeds. No child can absolve the parent on the Day of Judgment. Nor can a parent intercede on behalf of his child. Finally, Islam is strongly sensitive to the crucial dependence of the child on the parents. Their decisive role in forming the child’s personality is clearly recognised in Islam. In a very suggestive statement, the Prophet (peace be upon him) declared that every child is born into the true malleable nature of ‘Fitrah’ (i.e., the pure natural in-born, monotheistic belief in God), its parents later on make him into a Jew, Christian or pagan.According to these guidelines, and more specifically, one of the most inalienable rights of the child in Islam is the right to life and equal life chances. Preservation of the child’s life is the third commandment in Islam. Allah, The Exalted, Says (what means):  “Say, ‘Come, I will recite what your Lord has prohibited to you. [He commands] that you not associate anything with Him, and to parents, good treatment, and do not kill your children out of poverty; We will provide for you and them. And do not approach immoralities – what is apparent of them and what is concealed. And do not kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed] except by [legal] right. This has He instructed you that you may use reason.’” [Qur’an  6: 151]Another equally inalienable right is the right of legitimacy, which holds that every child shall have a father, and one father only. A third set of rights comes under socialization, upbringing, and general care. To take good care of children is one of the most commendable deeds in Islam. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) was fond of children and he expressed his conviction that his Muslim community would be noted among other communities for its kindness to children. It is charity of a higher order to attend to their spiritual welfare, educational needs, and general well-being. Interest in and responsibility for the child’s welfare are questions of top priority.  According to the Prophet’s instructions by the seventh day the child should be given a good, pleasant name and its head should be shaved, along with all the other hygienic measures required for healthy growing. This should be made a festive occasion marked with joy and charity.Responsibility for and compassion toward the child is a matter of religious importance as well as social concern. Whether the parents are alive or deceased, present or absent, known or unknown, the child is to be provided for with optimum care. Whenever there are http://172.17.99.108/newspress/backup/files/images/2016/12/28/93985.jpg?tmp=1482955156 executors or relatives close enough to be held responsible for the child’s welfare, they shall be directed to discharge this duty. But if there is no next of kin, care for the child becomes a joint responsibility of the entire Muslim community, designated officials and commoners alike.The parent-child relationship is complementary. In Islam, parents and children are bound together by mutual obligations and reciprocal commitments. But the age differential is sometimes so wide as to cause parents to grow physically weak and mentally feeble. This is often accompanied by impatience, degeneration of energy, heightened sensitivity, and perhaps misjudgment. It may also result in abuses of parental authority or intergenerational estrangement and uneasiness, something similar to what is now called the “generation gap”. It was probably in view of these considerations that Islam has taken cognizance of certain facts and made basic provisions to govern the individual’s relationship to his parents.The fact that parents are advanced in age and are generally believed to be more experienced does not by itself validate their views or certify their standards. Similarly, youth per se is not the sole fountain of energy, idealism, or wisdom. In various contexts, the Qur’an cites instances where the parents were proven wrong in their encounter with their children and also where children misjudged the positions of their parents. Allah, The Exalted, Says (what means):  And [mention O Muhammad], when Abraham said to his father Aazar, ‘Do you take idols as deities? Indeed, I see you and your people to be in manifest error.’” [Qur’an 6:74]Allah also Says what means: “And it sailed with them through waves like mountains, and Noah called to his son who was apart [from them], ‘O my son, come aboard with us and be not with the disbelievers.’ [But] he said, ‘I will take refuge on a mountain to protect me from the water.’ [Noah] said, ‘There is no protector today from the decree of Allah, except for whom He gives mercy.’ And the waves came between them, and he was among the drowned. And it was said, ‘O earth, swallow your water, and O sky, withhold [your rain].’ And the water subsided, and the matter was accomplished, and the ship came to rest on the [mountain of] Joodiyy. And it was said, ‘Away with the wrongdoing people.’ And Noah called to his Lord and said, ‘My Lord, indeed my son is of my family; and indeed, Your promise is true; and You are the most just of judges!’ He said, ‘O Noah, indeed he is not of your family; indeed, he is [one whose] work was other than righteous, so ask Me not for that about which you have no knowledge. Indeed, I advise you, lest you be among the ignorant.’” [Qur’an 11:42-46]More significant, perhaps, is the fact that customs, folkways, traditions, or the parents’ value system and standards do not in themselves constitute truth and rightness. In several passages, the Qur’an strongly reproaches those who may stray from the truth just because it seems new to them, or contrary to what is considered to be normal, or incompatible with the parents’ values. Furthermore, it focalises the fact that if loyalty or obedience to the parents is likely to alienate the individual from Allah, then he must side with Allah, as it were. It is true; the parents merit consideration, love, compassion, and mercy. But if they step out of their proper line to intrude upon the rights of Allah, a demarcation line must be drawn and maintained.The Qur’an sums up the whole question in the master concept of ‘Ihsaan’ (i.e. a strong sense of God-consciousness which constantly inclines a believer toward piety) , which denotes what is right, good, and beautiful. The practical implications of the concept of ‘ihsaan’ to the parents entail active empathy and patience, gratitude and compassion, respect for them and prayers for their souls, honoring their legitimate commitments and providing them with sincere counsel. One basic dimension of ‘Ihsaan’ is deference. Parents have the right to expect obedience from their children if only in partial return for what the parents have done for them. But if parents demand the wrong or ask for the improper, disobedience becomes not only justifiable, but also imperative. Obey or disobey, the children’s attitude toward parents may not be categorical submissiveness or irresponsible defiance.The last integral part of ‘Ihsaan’ to be mentioned here is that children are responsible for the support and maintenance of parents when the parents become weak and are unable to support themselves. It is an absolute religious duty to provide for the parents in case of need and help them to make their lives as comfortable as possible.Article source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/Parents’ responsibilities for the care and upbringing of their children are mentioned in several verses of the Qur’an, as well as in the Hadith.Allah Almighty Says (what means): “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones…” [Qur’an 66:6]How do we ward off that fire from our families? We need to show to them the right way and to teach them the difference between right and wrong. An excellent example of this is found in the words of Luqmaan to his son, related in the Qur’an, where he admonishes him: 1. Not to ascribe divine powers to anything other than Allah. 2. To be good and kind to parents. 3. To obey parents unless they command what is wrong. 4. To understand that all our deeds, however minor, are recorded and will be brought to light. 5. To be constant in prayer.6. To enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong. 7. To bear what befalls him with patience. 8. To avoid pride, arrogance and boastfulness.9. To be modest in manner and speech. This is a model example of parental responsibility and advice. Luqmaan guides his own son on the path to paradise with simple but memorable words. Children are a trust given to the parents. Parents will be held accountable for this trust on the Day of Judgment. Parents are essentially responsible for the moral, ethical and the basic and essential religious teachings of their children. If parents fulfill this responsibility, they will be free of the consequences on the Day of Judgment. The children will become better citizens and a pleasure to the eyes of their parents, first in this life, and in the Hereafter. Allah, Almighty Says (what means): “And those who believed and whose descendants followed them in faith – We will join with them their descendants, and We will not deprive them of anything of their deeds.  Every person, for what he earned, is retained...” [Qur’an 52:21] This parental responsibility belongs not only to the father. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) is reported to have said: “Take care! Each of you is a shepherd and each of you shall be asked concerning his flock; a leader is a shepherd of his people, and he shall be asked concerning his flock; and a man is a shepherd of the people of his house, and he shall be asked concerning his flock; and a woman is a shepherd of the house of her husband and over their children, and she shall be asked concerning them.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] Indeed the mother’s role may be even greater: while the children are young they are very close to her and dependent upon her, and they spend more time with her than with anyone else. There is an Arabic saying: “The mother is the first school”. She may be a good school, an indifferent or even a bad school. She may even be unaware that she is serving as a role model in her behavior, and her attitudes. Every mother should be conscious of her role and do her best to make it beneficial for the development of her children as they set out on the journey of life. Parental care and guidance are fundamental to child upbringing. Some parents nowadays become so preoccupied with their jobs or with making money or with their social lives that children are often neglected. They may be ignored or left for hours with the television or computer or they may be sent to day-care centers at a very early age to be cared for in groups by other people. The parents’ right to respect from their children is dependent upon the children’s right to loving care and guidance of their parents. It is related that a man once came to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab, the second Khaleefah (Caliph) of Islam complaining of his sons’ disobedience to him. ‘Umar summoned the boy and spoke of his disobedience to his father and his neglect of his rights. The boy replied: “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen (Prince of believers)! Hasn’t a child rights over his father?” “Certainly”, replied ‘Umar. “What are they, Ameer al-Mu’mineen?” “That he should choose his mother, give him a good name and teach him the Book (the Qur’an).” “O Ameer al-Mu’mineen! My father did nothing of this. My mother was a Magian (fire worshipper). He gave me the name of Julalaan (meaning dung beetle or scarab) and he did not teach me a single letter of the Qur’an.” Turning to the father, ‘Umar  said: “You have come to me to complain about the disobedience of your son. You have failed in your duty to him before he has failed in his duty to you; you have done wrong to him before he has wronged you.” Education and bringing up in IslamAllah Almighty Says (what means): “This day I have perfected for you your religion and completed My favor upon you and have approved for you Islam as religion...” [Qur’an 5: 3] Education is the process by which children are nurtured as they grow up to develop the Islamic worldview and the Islamic virtues. Education means to look after, to nurture, to nourish, to help grow and flourish. It implies certain sensitivity towards the child under your care, his emotional and physical needs and capacities. It implies the ability to inspire confidence. It implies the courage to allow and promote creativity and innovation. It implies the ability to trust and not to stifle, to be firm when needed and even to impose sanctions when necessary. The starting point for education is the example of parents. Small children take their parents as models. If parents are lazy and careless, the children will also take laziness and carelessness as normal. If they tell lies, children will regard lying as normal and acceptable. The same applies to smoking, drinking, rude manners, swearing and all other bad habits. There is no way parents can motivate their children to practice the Islamic virtues if they themselves do not respect the values and try to practice them also. As children grow up, they will only perceive the inconsistency or even hypocrisy in their parents’ approach. It is important not to crush a child’s spirit and joy about life by terrorizing him/her, whether physically or psychologically. Children must play. It is the way they learn, and is not in itself something bad. Parents should give the child opportunities to play and to experience the excitement of exploration, of learning and of growing up. At the same time, parents should teach children Islamic manners and etiquette in accordance with the beautiful example of the Prophet .Such habits include truthfulness and honesty, gentleness, politeness, consideration for others, helpfulness, cleanliness and tidiness. They also include: 1. Time management and doing things at the right time. 2. Physical exercise for fitness. 3. Mental exercise and developing an appetite for knowledge, understanding and skills. 4. Learning to read and recite the Qur’an from an early age when the child’s memory finds it easy. 5. Development of regular performance of Prayer between the ages of 7 and 10. 6. Taking on responsibilities in the family. 7. Taking on responsibilities in the wider community as children grow up. Above all, correct education should ensure that children develop a love for Islam, a love for Allah and His Prophet  and that they develop a feeling of pride in being Muslim and willingness to strive for the good of others. They need to realize the benefits of Islam, the foundations on which it is based and their need for Islam. They need to value Islam and live by Islamic values. It is the responsibility of the parents to experiment with various ways of achieving those goals. Islamic education and Muslim schools If parents are to get the best results for their children in Muslim schools, they must know what the Muslim school is trying to do. Parents need to understand that while the school basically may be following a National Curriculum (which in some countries may be compulsory), the teaching approach is expected to be holistic. Therefore it is not just a matter of teaching Islamic Studies, Qur’an and Arabic under the same roof as Arts and Sciences, but of developing an integrated Islamic perspective on all forms of knowledge right across the curriculum. At the same time, the school is trying to cultivate good attitudes, behaviour and manners in accordance with the teachings of Islam. ‘Aishah radhiallah ‘anha  is reported to have said of the Prophet that: “His behavior was the Qur’an (in practice)”. [Ahmad] To take the Prophet as a “beautiful example” means not just to imitate his outward actions or practices but also to base our own motivation and actions on the Qur’an as he did, in a way that is appropriate to the place and time in which we happen to live. The approach of a modern Muslim School, which may be located in a modern “secular” or non-Islamic type of environment, cannot be like that of Islamic education of the recent past, when teaching relied much on repetition and memorisation and uncritical acceptance of the teachers’ word. The Islamic teaching must relate with the society in which the pupils live, with the state of modern knowledge and with the beliefs of other people (probably the majority) in the country where the school is located. If Muslim children are to grow up as witnesses to the truth in a non-Muslim society, they need to understand that society and to develop an objective and critical approach, so that they can appreciate whatever is good in it, avoid its evils and reach out to the non-Muslims, presenting the truths of Islam in a way they can understand Islam and relate to it. Article source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/