Personally, I have gone through a pretty traumatic experience recently and I can’t help but find myself ruminating. I keep going over the various positions I was put in and how I was treated badly and wrongly during the experience. I realised that this anger and these hurtful thoughts kept increasing and in turn deteriorated my mental and physical health. I am definitely a perfectionist and like to feel in control, but with this specific experience, most of the control was taken away from me and I was not able (or should I say, was not allowed) to take my own actions or make decisions for myself. In short, I am still very unhappy with my experience and I feel it is haunting me. Once I realised that these thoughts were consuming me, I decided that I needed to find ways to cope with the added negativity that my mind was creating. I know that people are meant to slowly deal with their emotions and that it is healthy, but the way I was thinking was not. I kept going back into the past and replaying the experience over and over again, blaming myself for not being stronger, for not taking action and for not imposing myself and re-instating my sense of control. After continuously thinking of these regrets, I would find myself very sad, crying and extremely angry with myself that I let myself down and that I allowed all this to happen and that I was at fault for all that happened. I finally came to a point where I just said ‘STOP IT’ and asked myself why I was replaying this horrible experience in my mind and further instilling and reminding myself of my disappointment. I also told myself “this is in the past, there is no point in continuously thinking about what is already done; what’s done is done and I cannot change anything now.” That was the first step, realising that I was on the wrong path and that my mental health could get worse, and for my sake and my family’s sake I needed to put an end to this addictive cycle and find a better way to deal with my anger, regrets and the lingering emotions.
Initially, I decided to always try to distract myself from these thoughts as soon as they started. For example, I would find someone at home to sit with, call up a family member or friend to talk, organise my room some more or simply waste time on my phone checking my social media or playing a brainy game such as Sudoku. Then, I would keep asking myself why I was replaying the experience in my mind and figured out that it was because I felt stupid for what happened and horribly guilty for the end results. This helped me realise the source of my issue, I realised that I needed to promise myself that in the future I would be able to deal with a similar situation and not lose the control that I obviously require in life. This is called planning and taking action. Through this, I understood where I could have potentially taken actions and figured out what prevented me from taking those actions in the past; I guess I can say I evaluated the situation and decided to learn from my mistakes and prepare for whatever comes next. Therefore, I am currently preparing myself for any upcoming experience and keep reminding myself continuously that I am strong, in control and that my next experience will be better (God willing). I then moved on to my beliefs.
In Islam we are taught that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and that I should not question life or God for what has happened but to have the belief and patience that this is part of my biggest test, life. This realisation was the most critical as I kept and still keep going back to it as soon as I feel I am reverting back to those negative thoughts. I also keep reminding myself that I am blessed and I should be grateful for what I have and not focus on the negative.
The key to ending rumination is accepting the past, learning from it and moving on. So the next time you find yourself ruminating, keep this step-list in mind:
1. Realise what you are doing and accept that this is negative behaviour.
2. Let the emotions flow and get them all out. Cry if you need to. Talk. Let go.
3. Start understanding the negative but look for the positive gained.
4. Plan and take action.
5. Learn from the experience and make a plan for if it happens again.
6. Look at the present and be grateful for what you have.
7. If you can’t break the cycle, distract yourself with positive things.
8. If you need help or support, talk to a friend or therapist.
* The author is a wellness advocate and influencer @keys2balance.
