We don’t think. Instead we spend our lives feeling. In the cacophony of everyday life, there’s no silence to hold the sound of our thoughts. Energy isn’t expelled on thinking about the institutionalisation of our thoughts to believe we’re inherently better than another being because of race. Instead direct that saved energy to emotionally react to the stories of bloodshed and blatant prejudice that can’t be missed. As humans, visual images stir a better narrative than our own thoughts and experiences, because the latter can’t be seen as clearly as the stories that the media feeds us. You can’t turn a blind eye to the scenes in the line of your vision, yet it’s extremely easy and often the case, that we ignore the crime scene inside our own heads. That of the murder of our conscious, thinking mind by our subconscious programming. 
Unlike what we believe about ourselves, often gloating about the level of control we exert over our lives, we are naturally only conscious for 3 seconds of a minute. This translates into a simple fact – our life is being lived. Not by another being, but by our subconscious mind that automatically processes information and reacts, based on the existing formulas of thought, action and feelings we have fed it. Much to our surprise, majority of this spoon feeding takes place before we’re blowing 7 candles on our birthday cakes. So by the time you’ve had a slice of your 8-year-old cake, you’ve already created the foundation on which new information is layered.  
My own foundation has highlighted that I am a grateful beneficiary of a racist system. I am one of the bad guys. If I really think about it, using my conscious thinking energy, those 3 seconds of every minute where my brain will focus, I can see exactly how I am a racist. I agree that my feelings and programming dressed me up to present a good representative. Somebody who is careful with her words, using respect and manners; her privilege as an excuse to write off any association with discriminatory behavior. It is in my subconscious fundamental idea (concept reference from The Fear Project), to believe that my upbringing, my last name, my skin colour, my family, my education, my city, my country gives me an identity that is good; one that is SAFE. I’m not a threat to anyone because my identifiable characteristics don’t trigger fight or flight in anyone’s reactionary systems. This makes me acceptable and equal to other people, who have foundations that don’t draw imaginary target acquisition circles around who I am. Yet, if I didn’t ever think about this, I would remain confused by the targets I create around specific others, in my own mind. 
Why are we racist and unaware of it? Why do our actions betray our conscious thoughts? Why isn’t it enough to keep telling the world I’m not prejudiced or discriminatory, when my subconscious is proving otherwise? To answer this question with my own self-reflection, it’s the manipulation of this confusion, that is being taken advantage of by systems that we buy into. Our lazy brains allow the gears to be controlled by ‘drivers’ who keep us safe. As long as we survive, it doesn’t matter who gets us home. Every time that we excuse our brains from engaging in conscious thought, from taking back control of the vehicle zig-zagging across the highway, we let the subconscious systems prevail. It’s easier to follow the rules, to listen to existing maps, to ask for directions. It’s less tiring to sit down than to walk. 
If I choose to walk, I have to convince my subconscious it’s worth the energy. My reasons will be challenged by concrete, pre-existing excuses, defences and justifications of my 7-year old mind. I can’t flicker in my confidence or consistency at the discomfort I will experience. To tackle the traffic on the highways, the accidents on the road, I have to start by consciously choosing to take a different route. One that leads you back home – to the map of your own thoughts, that is clear only for 3 seconds, unless you choose to keep looking. 


* The author can be contacted on Instagram @sincerelysanah