In May I celebrated my birthday in lockdown and this week, it was my one-year marriage anniversary. We tried to make it as special as we could, given the current situation, it also means I’ve been reflecting on the last year and marriage in general.
I have heard it that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. I am not sure if that is true but it definitely comes with its highs and lows and ups and downs and sets the foundation of your marriage.
The most important thing I have learnt is that love is not a feeling, it’s a decision, a decision that you make every day to love your spouse no matter what. A big learning for me this year has been that I can be selfish, there is nothing like putting another person in constant close proximity to you to show you which areas you can improve on. Sometimes we tend to want our own way and are used to doing things in a certain way, marriage teaches you to put your pride aside and realise that there is more than one way to handle a situation. This also taught me how to approach my husband with humility and grace.
Marriage is about choice, we all make choices, sometimes 1,000’s of choices per day, these choices shape us and they do the same to our spouse. When my husband takes a few minutes to do something nice for me, I can show generosity or complain because what he did wasn’t enough or the way I like it. When he asks a question, I can offer a loving answer or a condescending one. These choices either bring me closer to my husband or push me away from him.
I realised that marriage might be one of the hardest but also one of the most fulfilling things that I have ever committed myself to. I also realised that this commitment is absolutely essential. When you are completely committed to each other with absolute certainty that there will be no out, then only can the relationship flourish and both can be secure in who they are and both more willing to be vulnerable with each other.
Lastly if you are planning on getting married, I believe that you should do everything that you can to prepare yourself for it, read books about it, do courses if you can, talk to religious leaders, I truly believe that can help make the transition into marriage easier.
* The author is a consultant and coach. Instagram handle: @miss_shefa, Website: missshefa.com
Shefa Ali
