I find this self-care revolution mildly amusing at best, and extremely annoying at worst. Before you voice your retorts, hear me out. I see the value of self-care as a concept. These formulae are oriented towards giving you space to confront and organise the messy closet of your feelings. My complaint is with the mindlessness with which it is sold and prescribed to us as a one-size-fits-all solution.
This mindless self-care is perpetuated by an infamous cognitive bias: the confirmation bias. This systematic error in thinking leads you to believe evidence that squarely aligns with your preconceived notion of something. If it contradicts it, you’re tempted to toss it out the window and rid yourself of the duty to confront the discrepancy.
How does this relate to self-care? Self-care hacks propagate their benefits, so we know exactly what they’re meant to do. And because it’s become such a huge market, it has lost the need to justify its credibility. We’re told that listening to calming music will soothe our mind, help us feel refreshed, and distract us from discomforting thoughts. We’re well-versed with the reward ready for us if we listen to this music. Having already been acquainted with what to expect, we find it easy to believe that it is doing what it’s set out to do: help us take care of ourselves. When we’re told to re-evaluate, we’re likely to brush off the suggestion. Why must we doubt something that wellness gurus say is foolproof? Doubting self-care doesn’t sit well with our idea that self-care works. So, in order to maintain consistency, we keep our cynicism at bay. To protect the notion of self-care that we want to believe, we discard the evidence that it isn’t working. And gradually, we lose sight of this pressing question: Are these activities helping you accomplish genuine wellness or are they shielding you with a façade of care? If you’re not going to ask what it’s doing for you, you’re going to believe that it’s doing what it promises to you.
Understanding whether your ‘self-care’ is truly self-care will help clear the fog of whether it’s working or not. A lot of people tend to conflate self-indulgence with self-care. Indulgence is geared towards enjoyment and relaxation, while care is concerned with looking after things that require our attention and energy. Indulgence actively pushes discomfort away, but care requires some amount of discomfort to operate. It may seem unsettling that self-care is not about comfort and convenience but why must it be? If securing your physical health does not entail comfort, why would securing your mental health be comfortable? Comfort must be ditched to make space for growth, and the purpose of self-care is to foster growth.
Contrary to what we’re told, nobody is pandering to our self-care needs but ourselves. We hear various iterations of the slogan that all our decisions and experiences are acceptable. “Its okay to take time off”; “It’s okay to not be okay.” If it were really okay to not be okay, everybody wouldn’t default to an “I’m fine” when asked how we’re doing. But we do. So evidently, the world expects you to be okay and run like clockwork even when you’re barely able to change out of your pajamas. This makes it harder to carve time out from our already busy schedules for self-care, but makes doing so all the more imperative.
To paraphrase from a tweet (Rega Jha) that sums this up succinctly, getting your mental health knowhow from social media is like eating fries while looking at a photo of spinach and believing you’ve got your nutrients. To understand your self-care needs, cut out the clutter of advice that social media throws at you and be very, very candid about what you need. Consider a situation where you’ve just been broken up with. You have a choice on how to address this: you could get start meeting up with your friends and distracting yourself, and obstinately ignore the overstuffed suitcase of feelings ready to burst open at any point. Or, you could sit down with your feelings and think. Think deeply about what led your relationship down this road, whether you have something to take responsibility for, and unashamedly face the change this brings in your life. Instead of pretending to have impenetrable armor around your heart, say you’re hurting — to yourself, most importantly. It’s not as fun as being distracted, but it’s the smarter choice.
Make a decision considering what you choose to do and what you’re tempted to do — be thoughtful and honest with your use of self-care.