Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam (may Allah exalt his mention), taught us in many Ahaadith (prophetic statements) about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse and their relative importance. Among those Ahaadith are the following: “A woman is married for her religion, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with religion, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)” [Muslim] And also: “Choose carefully for your seed (offspring). Marry those who are equivalent (or ‘qualified’) and give to them in marriage.” [Ibn Maajah & Others]
We will discuss, if Allah wills, some of the most important characteristics that can be found in the Qur’an and the Sunnah (prophetic tradition) related to selecting a good spouse.
Religion
In the previous Hadith, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature, except for the issue of Deen, i.e., a prospective spouse’s piety and practice of Islam – their fulfilling of what is mandatory and their avoidance of what is unlawful.
About this characteristic, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “It is (incumbent) upon you to seek the one with piety”. This is an order and quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the Hadith which states: “A woman is married for...” and separates the issue of ‘religion’ from the other mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also, when the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said at the end of the Hadith: “…May your hands be in the dust”, invoking this negative outcome on those who disregard his order, it can only refer to the order to seek the spouse with piety, since that is the only order in the Hadith.
We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of Hijab (female Muslim attire) for women, or keeping a beard and praying in the Masjid (mosque) for men, while obvious requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people who, at first glance, appear to be abiding by Islam, but, upon closer inspection, they have an altogether incorrect understanding of it. ‘Umar bin al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the Masjid that he did not know him due to him not having had dealings with him that involved money, as well as not having lived or travelled with him.
The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to the bride. The guardian of the woman should make this his first and top priority, just as the man looking for a wife should make it his. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil.” [At-Tirmithi & Others]
Character and Behaviour
In the previous Hadith, addressed to those in charge of the marital affairs of Muslim women and girls, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues: the faith of the suitor and his character.
Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind, as we can see from the following Ahaadith:
“I have only been sent to complete good character.” [Al-Haakim & Others]
“I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Paradise for one who makes his character good.” [Abu Daawood ]
“Righteousness is good character.” [Muslim]
“The believers with the most complete Eemaan (faith) are those with the best character.” [Abu Daawood]
In the Qur’an, Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage, Saying (what means): “…Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women...” [Qur’an 24:26]
The word ‘bad’ in the above verse means filthy, unclean and despicable. It is a very strong word. The word ‘good’ connotes clean and pure as well as good.
One of the important issues of character in the mates is the quality of intimacy. This means to be kind, loving and compassionate. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “Marry the loving/friendly and the child-bearing, for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on Doomsday.” [Ahmad, Abu Daawood & Others]
Therefore, the prospective spouse must ask and find out about the other person’s behaviour and manners. As a sign also, one may look at the manners and behaviour of the other person’s family, for often (but not always) the behaviours of people of the same family are similar. In other words, some characteristics whether good or bad, tend to run in some families such as anger, politeness, stinginess, generosity, lying, truthfulness and so forth.
Child-Bearing
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, recommended men to marry women who are child-bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as enlarging the Muslim Ummah (community), raising pious families as cornerstones of society, and so forth.
The scholars mention that a man can look at a woman’s female relatives to get an idea whether she is apt to get pregnant easily and often or not. This attribute should also apply to the man. For example, a Muslim man who had a vasectomy before getting married would not be an appropriate husband for a Muslim girl getting married for the first time.
Virginity
There are many Ahaadith which recommend a man to marry a virgin woman, such as: “Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs and are more pleased with less.” [At-Tabaraani]
Other narrations indicate that she is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Jaabir, may Allah be pleased with him, married an older and previously married woman, so the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, remarked: “Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you.”
The scholars have stressed that this good attribute applies to the husband just as it applies to the wife. One of them wrote: “Similarly, it is preferred for a person not to marry his daughter except to a virgin man if she has never been married before.” ‘Umar bin al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, once heard about a woman who was married to an elderly man, so he said: “O people! Fear Allah and marry a man to a woman who is similar to him and marry a woman to a man who is similar to her.”
Beauty
Beauty is another important characteristic to be looked for in a spouse. It has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both mates from sin. The best way to achieve this is if there is a strong attraction between the husband and wife. Although this will surely grow over time, initial impressions can in some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam (may Allah exalt his mention), separated Qays bin Shammaas from his wife in the famous case of Kuhl’ (i.e. a woman asking for separation from her husband) and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her.
There are many Ahaadith (prophetic statements) that urge the prospective spouse to take a look at the other before undertaking the marriage. Once, a companion told the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, that he was going to get married. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, asked if he had seen her. When the man replied in the negative, he, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “Go and look at her, for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.” [Ahmad & Others]
‘Umar bin al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, once said: “Do not force your young girls to marry an ugly man, for they also love what you love.”
Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list, under piety, character and religion. When a person puts beauty above all else, the results can be disastrous. This is one big reason young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature family members in making their choice.
Looking at a Prospective Spouse
As we have seen, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, encouraged men considering marriage to a particular woman to get a look at her. He said in another Hadith: “If one of you proposes to a woman and if he is able to look at a part of her that motivates him to marry her, let him do so.” [Abu Daawood & Others]
Note that this Hadith does not abrogate the limits of what a woman may expose to non-mahaarim (marriageable relatives). She must continue to be well covered, except for her face and hands, in front of all of them, and the prospective husband, even if he has proposed, is no exception to this. Even then, he is still only permitted to see what anyone else is permitted to see. The difference is that he is allowed to take a good look – if it were not for the proposal of marriage, both would be required to avert their eyes after the first glance, as the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said to ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, about the look at a non-Mahram woman: “The first is for you, the second is against you.”
Also, it is clear that the purpose of this look is very specific: to help one determine whether or not they would like to marry that person. Once that has been determined and the decision has been made, it is no longer permissible for them to look at each other. If a man and a woman decide that they want to marry each other, this does not make it permissible for them to continue to see each other. Just the opposite, since the decision has been made there is no longer any need for them to see each other and they are no longer allowed to do so. This is because until the moment the offer and acceptance of the marriage have been pronounced, there is no relationship of any kind between them and all of the laws regarding alien men and women still apply to them.
Women Looking at a Prospective Husband
The woman also has a right to look at her prospective husband. Many scholars have stated that women desire the same things that we (men) do. Some have even said that it is even more important for the woman to see the man. This is because the man holds the right of instant and unconditional divorce in case he is displeased with his wife. It is not so easy for the woman to get out of a marriage and so she must have priority on this issue.
Can a Man be Alone with His ‘Fiancée’?
Again, no matter what words, promises, commitments, etc. have passed between the parties, until the marriage contract has been transacted and a man and woman are actually married, there is no relationship at all between them and they are to each other as any other strange man and woman. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, has expressly forbidden for a man and a woman to be alone together. This ruling applies to a ‘fiancée’ just as much as it applies to any other unrelated man and woman. One Hadith that makes this very clearly is: “A man cannot be alone with a woman, except along with a male (non-marriageable) relative (of hers).” [Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
Touching
Obviously, since those “engaged” to be married have no legal relationship beyond any other strange man and woman, any form of touching between them is not allowed. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, said: “For one of you to have your head pierced with an iron needle is better for him than to touch a woman who is not permissible for him (to touch).” [At-Tabaraani]
Phone Calls
Muslim scholars have pointed out that it is not proper or acceptable for ‘fiancées’ to be alone together or to have numerous encounters, telephone conversations or Internet ‘chats’ for the purpose of ‘getting to know each other’. In fact, this is a horrible innovation that has spread among the Muslims. It must always be remembered that until they are married, they are like any other unrelated men and women to each other and their actions must reflect that fact.
This is clearly the result of the similar “experiment” going on in Western societies over the last few decades: the more they “open” these kinds of issues the more disastrous their marriages become.
Muslims who are heading down this same road need to wake up and take heed. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallamsaid: “You will follow the ways of those who came before you foot by foot and yard by yard; (to the extent that) even if they are to descend into a lizard’s hole, you will follow them.”
The Difference between ‘Engagement’ and Delaying Consummation
In many Muslim countries, people transact the marriage contract, but agree not to actually begin the marriage until after a certain period of time. There is nothing wrong with this custom with two conditions:
The time period is not excessively long.
All parties understand that the two are legally married, their agreement to delay being together is not binding and there is nothing wrong if they change their mind and decide to be together before the appointed time.
This is quite different from the imported custom of “engagement”. The only parallel to this western custom which many Muslims have adopted is what is called ‘Khitbah’, which is the time between the beginning of discussions and the acceptance or rejection of the offer. In short, this has no legal validity of any kind and does not change anything about the relationship between the man and woman. Extending this to very long periods of time or worse, violating the Shari’ah (Islamic Law) during that time in the ways we have discussed is a horrendous religious innovation (Bid’ah) which has spread among the Muslims.
Article source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/
Who are the Mahrams of a woman?
When people distance themselves from the instructions of Islam and the rulings of religion – especially those which guard chastity and the ‘Awrah (parts of the body that must be covered), prevent mixing of progeny and other immoral acts – they fall into the pit of vice and immorality. This is encouraged by the enemies of Islam who try to control women with all the possible means until they lead them astray and strip them of their modesty, under the pretext of “liberating” them. In reality, they wanted to liberate women from their religion, modesty, and chastity.
As a ruling of Shariah (Islamic legislation), a woman has to know who her Mahrams (non-marriageable men) are, so as to guard herself and her religion.
The following question was raised to An-Nawawi, may Allah have mercy upon him: “Who is the woman whom a man is permitted to look at and meet her in seclusion?”
An-Nawawi, may Allah have mercy upon him, replied: “It is every woman whom he is permanently forbidden to marry due to a permissible reason because of her unlawfulness.”
“Permanently” is said to exclude the wife’s sister and her like, namely her paternal aunt, maternal aunt, and her daughter if the marital contract is concluded with the mother yet the marriage has not been consummated with her.
“Due to a permissible reason” excludes the mother and her daughter with whom a man had sexual intercourse mistakenly believing that it was lawful. The mother and her daughter are permanently forbidden, not because of a permissible reason, but because doubtful intercourse which is neither described as permissible nor unlawful, because the man was oblivious and thus, incompetent to receive religious commitment at that time.
“Because of her unlawfulness” excludes the woman who is involved in Li‘aan (oath of condemnation). This woman is permanently forbidden to remarry (her ex-husband) as an act of punishment, not because she is unlawful for him. Allah knows best.” [The Fataawaa that is known as Al-Manthooraat by An-Nawawi, question No. 223.]
Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers, their brothers’ sons, their sisters’ sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women.} [Qur’an 24:31]
As regards “their fathers” up to the end of the verse, Ibn Katheer, may Allah have mercy upon him, said: “These are all Mahrams for the woman who, therefore, is allowed to appear to them in her adornment without excessive display of beauty.”
Explanation of Mahrams:
* Their fathers: The woman’s father.
* Their husbands’ fathers: The husband’s father and grandfathers, up to all levels.
* Their sons: The woman’s sons down to all levels, and also the sons of daughters down to all levels.
* Their husbands’ sons: Male sons of the husband, including grandsons down to all degrees, whether they are sons of the husband’s sons or daughters.
* Their brothers: The woman’s brother
* Their brothers’ sons: The brother’s sons down to all degrees.
* Their sisters’ sons: The sister’s sons down to all degrees.
* Their women: Muslim, not polytheistic women, according to the preponderant opinion.
* That which their right hands possess: This may mean either:
bondmaids or bondmen.
* Male attendants having no physical desire: They are men who are not at the same level as the women and have no interest in or desire for women; or the oblivious person who has no desire; an imbecile; and, an impotent man. The eunuch who can describe women is excluded.
* Children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women: Because they are so young they do not understand anything about women or their ‘Awrah (parts of the body that must be covered). If a child is young and does not understand that, there is nothing wrong with him entering upon women, but if he is an adolescent or approaching adolescence, so that he knows and understands these things, and can make a distinction between a woman who is beautiful and one who is not, then he should not enter upon women.
First benefit:
Related Story
Are a woman’s paternal and maternal uncles her Mahrams?
Al-Qurtubi may Allah have mercy upon him said, “The majority of scholars held that the maternal and paternal uncles of a woman are like other Mahrams in that they are allowed to see of the woman what is permissible for them to see.”
Second benefit:
Is the daughter’s husband a Mahram for her mother?
Ibn Katheer, may Allah have mercy upon him, said: “The majority of scholars held that the wife’s mother becomes forbidden to be married to a person once he concludes the marital contract with her daughter.”
Third benefit:
Is the mother’s husband a Mahram for her daughter (i.e. his stepdaughter)?
A mother’s husband (the stepfather) is not a Mahram for her daughter except on two conditions, as Ibn Hajar, may Allah have mercy upon him, said in Al-Fat’h: “The prohibition of marrying a stepdaughter is stipulated by two things:
* She must be under the guardianship of the man
* The man should have consummated the marriage with her mother.
Therefore, the stepfather is not a Mahram to his step-daughter if only one of the two conditions exists.”
This view was adopted by Daawood ibn ‘Ali and his companions, chosen by Ibn Hazm, narrated by Abu Al-Qaasim Ar-Raafi‘i on the authority of Maalik, may Allah have mercy upon him.However, Ibn Taymiyyah, may Allah have mercy upon him, found it dubious and did not hold a certain opinion regarding it.
Finally, the majority of scholars held that the stepdaughter is unlawful to her stepfather in marriage, whether she was under his guardianship or not. Please check Tafseer ibn Katheer and Fat’h Al-Baari.
Article source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/